Don’t Eat The Eggs!
by Patrick Harwood
Prologue: Mom’s Egg Salad Recipe
Day 1, Calgary
“My first wife, April, made an egg-salad that would knock your socks off. I mean- people would eat it right up and it’d be gone before you could say-”
Rrr-Rrrruff!!
“Basically!”
The people standing in the kitchen all laugh with Dad at his quick wit. “Well, anyways-
Rr-RRRUFFF!
The lady in the pretty pink dress jumps up with a yelp! “Oh- don’t mind him he’s just hungry” Dad says, and everyone laughs at that one too. The lady still seems shaken up though, and so Dad puts Chicken outside- which seemed to relax her a lot. Chicken doesn’t seem to be happy about it though, cause he’s barking still.
“Anyways… where was I?”
My step-mother, Barb, answered, “You were talking about April, hun.” she says with a quick smile, before her eyes find mine in the corner. It made me real uncomfortable so I looked back at Dad.
“Oh, right- right. Well, basically since she passed I’d been craving that damn egg-salad and so I dug up through some boxes and found it! I was so excited- wasn’t I Billy?” He says with eyes now darting at me, along with everybody else’s.
“Yep!” was all that came out of me. I could see their condolences in their eyes, it makes me uncomfortable. Dad continues;
“Now, I’m no cook so I let Barb handle that part. If it’d been my ass cooking we’d all be spewing chunks everywhere!” They all laugh. They sound like a tv show or something.
“I haven’t let Dave cook since he almost burned down his house on our first date! If Dave ever offers you a home cooked meal you bring a fire extinguisher!” Barb got the whole room laughing with that one. She’s got her arm around him and he looks in her eyes how he used to look into my mother’s eyes. He really did almost burn down our house. Half the kitchen caught on fire after he tried making her a grilled cheese.
“He makes up for it in different ways though and that’s why I love him.” She announces to the crowd, followed by a coordinated “AWWW.”
“I bet he does,” says the pretty pink dress lady. Nothing makes me want to vomit more. Everyone seems to disagree and they’re laughing, except for my Dad.
“Alright well,” he turns to Barb, “I love you, too” he says with a kiss on her lips.
He’s really happy and I’m happy for him too. Barb isn’t my mom, but she’s nice. My mother was a lot nicer though. I won’t be her son, but I’ll be her friend. What I won’t do is eat that egg-salad, out of respect for my mother. I just feel she’d enjoy my protest.
I head out into the living room but the back sliding glass door. Chicken is staring at me with a great sadness. “I’m sorry, Chicken, but you’re clucking too much!” I told him. I got Chicken after mom died. Dad thought I needed a friend, and I did. I named him Chicken cause it made me laugh, I quite like it now though. He’s a good Chicken.
I am quite hungry though. I head to the plastic table set up just beside it and reach for the pigs in a blanket. I gotta stand on my tippy toes just to reach them, not to mention this stinky bowl of egg salad next to it.
PLOP! “Crap” I whisper, while pieces of egg salad fly off the bowl as it bounces on the floor. Thank god it’s plastic, and thank god people really did like Barb’s egg salad, cause it was pretty much empty.
“Honey, you okay?” Barb says to the beat of her stride. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to!” I say.
“Oh don’t worry about it, Billy. It’s just eggs!” She smiles at me. Barb is nice.
“Besides, it looks like everyone already ate their way through it.” She picks up the empty bowl. “See?.” She walks over to the sliding glass door and opens; “Come on, Chicken! Go clean up!”
Usually Chicken loves when I drop food on the floor. But for some reason he didn’t even budge, not even to take a sniff. “Is he broken?” Barb asks. “Chicken come here!” I say.
Barb laughs; “Maybe he feels guilty eating eggs with a name like Chicken.” She says, I giggle. That was a pretty good one, Barb.
I offer to clean up, and she thanks me as she shuts the glass door. I look at Chicken, “I didn’t eat the eggs either, for mom” I tell him telepathically before I fetch the paper towels.
The night went on for what seemed forever, but eventually everyone left. Barb and Dad were in their room together puking like crazy. They must’ve had a lot of vespas and martinis. I didn’t mind, I fell asleep watching TV late with Chicken.
Day 2, Calgary
Dad and Barb are sick in their room right now. I think they’re hungover, they didn’t even go to church. I feel like I should check on them, but I don’t want to risk seeing them do the deed. If they’re not out in an hour I’ll fetch them, but for now I’m watching cartoons and eating cold pigs in a blanket.
An hour turned to two because I had to digest the piggies before I did anything. I got up because Chicken kept barking at their door, but it turns out it was locked. I tried with all my might but I couldn’t bust it down, so I called the people that could, 911.
They came in and brought me outside. Now I’m just waiting, I got Chicken with me at least.
Chapter 1: What can I get for you?
“Patrick. Late. Again.” says Alex, our stinky old manager. “I wonder what his excuse is gonna be this time.” I just shrug.
“You’re his girlfriend, Sara. Can’t you tell me something?”
“I’m not his girlfriend.”
“Fine. You’re his friend-girl, whatever! What do you know?”
“I will accept friend-girl. But also I have no clue.” He probably slept in. “Maybe he saved someone from an accident.”
“I seriously doubt that, if there was any accident, he probably showed up after the morgue!” he says as he shakes furiously. “I’ll be in my office!” he walks away ; “look busy!” he shouts.
Alex sure is a cranky old man, but he’s really funny to watch. I catch him staring at me sometimes, though. None of my other co-workers really agree with me, except when we all watched him slip on a literal banana peel. That time we all laughed.
Moments later Pat slips in through the front door. “What’s up!” He's looking at me but he says it for the whole restaurant to hear. “Does he know?” he asks.
I give it to him straight; “Nah, he hasn’t even noticed yet.”
“For real?-”
“PATRICK! My Office!” the troll shouts, turning the heads of every customer in here. Pat chuckles. “You dick.”
I shrug my shoulders with a smile. Pat walks through the crowded restaurant to the back where he could face Alex’s fury. I guess I’ll get back to work.
Today is one of the busiest days of the year, not because of any holiday or event, but because there’s been a huge recall on eggs done this week and pretty much every breakfast and brunch place has been forced to close. Every brunch and breakfast spot except for ours, not because we weren't told - because we were told - but because Alex decided it’d be worth it to stay open and whatever money we gained would probably pay for whatever fine. He also thought that if it was really that urgent they’d just come back and forcefully shut us down, to which Alex would then agree to, because it’s actually urgent.
All that to say, the staff is not happy, myself included. Not only is Alex a greedy little troll, but none of the customers seem to mind the whole egg problem, and so we’re full today. At least we’re basically full staff, while we complain we also need money to live so we come in and work anyways, except for Tim, one of the line cooks. He was pissed at Alex and even threatened him if he wasn’t gonna-
Actually, that’s him outside, he must’ve seen our sign that says
“WE’RE STILL OPEN, AND WE STILL GOT EGGS!”
Tim walks in with a mask on his face and rubber gloves duct taped to his arms. He starts screaming at everybody; “Are you people crazy? Don’t you hear the news? What the fuck are you doing!” and so on and so on. Ranting about his egg theories. I liked Tim, he was always really nice to me, but he was also always a bit of a nut.
I’m standing in the corner by a table just watching this go by, hoping it would end. The commotion gets Pat and Alex out from the back. I make eye-contact with Pat and make a weird face like I have no idea what’s going on. Unfortunately I never learned to hide my facial reactions, and Tim saw this.
“You think I’m crazy. Don’t you, Sara?”
My jaw drops, “uh-”
Pat approaches Tim; “Hey, Tim, let’s go outside and chat, man.” Tim looks to his left and grabs a steak knife from the dirty table.
“Woah- dude, you serious?” Pat says.
“Get the fuck back, Patty.”
Pat gets a bit closer, “Buddy, you’re scaring everybody, put the knife down, please.”
“Get the fuck out of here you loser!” Screams Alex. Alex is not smart.
Tim stares him down through Pat directly in Alex’s eyes. He begins walking towards him.
“You- greedy, stupid, fuck- I will fucking cut you!”
“Woah, shit, Tim. Come on!” Pat puts his hand up to block Tim. I place my hands over my mouth, prepared to soon see Alex fillet’d and thrown on the grill. Luckily, Pat is doing a great job of slowing him down. “I told you I was gonna do something to you if you didn’t close, Alex”
“You come where I am and I’ll leave you where you stand” Alex says this as he pumps his fists.
“Alex, shut the hell up!” Pat shouts. Tim tries to push through him but he ends up slicing Pat’s arm in the process; “Fuck!” Pat cries, “Tim, you fuck! What the hell, man? OW!” Tim steps back away from Pat who’s holding his bloody arm. Tim steps back and drops the knife, he looks around at everyone and sees the fear in their eyes. His jaw dropped too. His eyes meet mine and we stare at each other for a second, long enough for me to know he’s sorry, and he runs out.
“Fuck! Dude, Sara! Did you see that?” Pat cries. “Fuck! I'm bleeding- damn, OW!”
You’d think after a situation like this everyone would get up and get the fuck out of there, you would think.
“Alright everybody, danger’s gone. Enjoy your meals!”
I can’t believe he just said that while Pat’s arm is leaking on the floor. I go to comfort Pat. “Jesus, dude. Did you see that?” Pat asks for the second time. I answered this time, though I thought it was pretty obvious I saw that.
“Yeah, man. You’re gonna be alright.”
“I think I need stitches.”
Pat is taking this better than I expected. I can’t tell if he’s feeling woozy cause he kinda always sounds like this.
“I’ll take you to my dad, he’s working today he could probably see you right away.”
Alex heads over. “I need you to stay?”
“Man, I fucking quit!Are you kidding?” says Pat.
“Not you, idiot.”
“Hey, be nicer to him. He literally saved your ass today. I’m taking him to the hospital, and if you have something to say, then I’ll just pick up my phone and tell him everything I know, and I’m not just talking eggs here, Got it?” His eyes tell me that he just shat his pants. He shrugs it off and walks away to his office.
Chapter 2: Hospital
I used to come here so often as a kid. Growing up I wanted to be a doctor like Dad. Then I met his friend Mary, who’s a nurse, and she was super nice to me. She always gave me candy, so I wanted to be a nurse. As I grew up I stopped coming here and I realized I didn’t wanna be a doctor or a nurse, I wanted to be a writer. Dad still loves me the same though. So did mom. I watch Dad unwrap Pat’s arm.
“Alright let’s see what we got here.” he says. “Geeze, there’s enough eggs in here to make an omelette!” he chuckles to himself.
“Dad.”
“Good one Sara’s Dad.” says Pat.
“That’s Dr. Sara’s Dad to you, pal.”
Pat laughs, you can tell he really means it too. One thing I like about that guy is that he’s easy to please. Ever since I met him I knew we’d get along great, I liked that he likes making people happy. I see Dad take out some stuff to clean the wound. Had I been a doctor I would’ve known what to call them. I’d know what needle my dad is about to stick in Pat.
“Ah!” Pat bites his teeth down as my Dad cleans out his wounds.
“Oh don’t cry, I didn't even get in there yet.”
“In there? How deep is it?”
“You’ll be fine, just think happy thoughts.”
“Yeah, just remind yourself that you finally quit.”
“Did I do that? -OW!” Pat yelps. You don’t hear a guy yelp often, that’s for sure.
Dad “hm’s”, staring into the wound. There’s a silence, and Pat looks nervous from that reaction. I would be too. “What do you mean by ‘hmm’” I ask. He looks up at me.
“It went inside him.”
“It? What do you mean?”
“Im gonna dig a little deeper.”
“What?”
Dad looks back at Pat and looks at him with confidence, “don’t worry.”
My dad has the ability to look someone in the eyes and get their absolute trust. I think I’d want that in a doctor. He pulls out a small knife thing and he cuts a little deeper.
“Do you feel anything?”
“No, just squeamish, and I think I could throw up but I’ll save it for later.”
My dad laughs; “Much appreciated.” I can see him looking around in there.
“Sir, are you going to cut my arm off?”
My dad laughs again ; “You’re funny.”
“Oh good, I'm glad I’m funny.”
My dad pulls back with a smile; “alright, should be good.”
I don’t think I’d like it if my doctor says the words “should be.” It doesn’t really align with the whole ‘absolute trust’ thing I mentioned before. But if I’m my father’s daughter, you can trust me, he’s good. Besides he’s stitching him up now. To me that’s a good sign.
“Who wants a caramel candy?” Right on queue, in comes Nurse Mary with a little pumpkin basket full of candy.
“I do!” says Pat, with integrity.
“Hey kiddo! Shit, you’ve grown!”
“Hey Mary! It’s been so long!”
I give her a nice big hug and she squeezes me like a sponge, and I feel like a sponge soaking up her vanilla perfume and cigarette stench, but also her love.
“How’s everything going in here?” she asks.
“Everything’s all good here, Mary. Just finishing up some stitches. We’re gonna take some blood just to test it but you’re gonna be just fine.”
“Thanks Dr Sara’s dad.”
“You can call me Phil,” he says. Now there’s a silence coming from Pat. The silence that comes from everybody who hears his first name and occupation. I just watch him nod and Pat smiles, understanding that there is no joke there, it’s for real. He goes back to stitching Pat’s arm up.
I feel a pair of eyes looking at me and I see Nurse Mary mouth out the words; “Is he your boyfriend?” and I mouth back; “No,”
Mary responds with an obvious wink that makes her face wrinkle.
Soon enough Pat was all sewed tight and pretty much good as new. My Dad walks us all the way to exit doors.
“So, take it easy. No sports, no… I don’t know. Don’t strain your arm.”
“Sounds good, thanks again, Dr. Phil.”
I can tell my dad loves Pat by the size of his smile.
“You,” he looks at me, “I love you, you’re alright.”
“Thanks dad, I love you, too.”
“Keep an eye on him, nothing too crazy.”
“Can I still smoke?” asks Pat.
“Did you hurt your lungs?”
“No.”
My dad nods at him. “I’d look into quitting but yeah, you can smoke.”
“Thanks Dr. P.”
Pat always takes forever to say goodbye. He’s always got one more thing to say. He says it’s a thing in his family and he doesn’t really see the harm in it. It can be a little annoying sometimes, so I just take the lead when we’re saying goodbye. I walk through the automatic doors, and Pat follows like a lost puppy.
Chapter 3: Can’t Hold Your Liquor
I was never really the party go-er in high school, not until the summer before college. I felt like, ‘hey, last summer before college, this is the thing to do’, right. Back then it was like almost every weekend and it was kind of exhausting. That’s where I met Pat, though. Eventually the parties died down and it turned into like maybe-every-so-often-on Halloween, or whatever holiday they wanted. Halloween parties were the popular pick for sure. Which brings us to right now, right outside Mitch McKubrick’s house.
Mitch McKubrick is this guy that hosted a bunch of parties back then, and basically he wanted to do some reunion party. I wasn’t really down but Pat was like; “We have to go, bro.”
And I was like; “Do we?”
And he said something like ‘yeah man for sure we have to, man.’ Something like that.
And so we’re here. The taxi is gone, and all we have to protect ourselves is a mickey of vodka and Pat’s pack of cigarettes. I’m dressed as a cat, and Pat’s dressed as a mummy.
“Godspeed”
“God? There is no god…” Pat says, ominously; “I’m just kidding there might be one, we just don’t know.”
This guy. What a weirdo.
“Alright let’s get it.”
We walk into the fryer and into the fire- or, into the frying pan and out of the fire? I don’t know some shit like that. We’ve entered the home of Mitch McKubrick. There’s Skeletor, Michael Myers, and Mike Myers doing keg stands in the corner of the living room. I didn’t think that would still be a thing at twenty-two. I see a sexy nurse walk outside, she’s hanging with Ashley. I’ve known Ashley since highschool, she’s a bit of a bitch, but she’s also kind of nice. She also didn’t dress up.
“Alright I’m heading outside, can I have the cigarettes? I’m gonna chain smoke.”
“Aight, I’ll see you out there. I'm gonna look for something to mix this with.”
I open the door to the back and my anxiety skyrockets but luckily the survival instincts kick in when I hear Ashley yell; “Oh my god! Sara?”
Pat was right, there is no god.
“Oh my god! Ashley! Hey!!!!!” I don’t know where this is coming from.
“How are you doing girl?”
I light my cigarette faster than flash. MMM. PFFF “I’m good, girl, how you doing?!”
Ashley goes “Ew! You smoke? You bitch!” as she rips her vape.
“Aha I know I’m so dirty!” Kill me now.
“Okay well, I’m gonna go in! Good seeing you ahaha!”
“Oh my god yes! We should totally do something soon!”
SLAM!!! Ashley shuts the door behind her. What the hell did I turn into? That seems to happen with every girl I used to know. The conversation is nothing but sass and lies. I wonder how other girls react in these situations. Whatever, on to cigarette number two.
Cigarette number three.
Number four.
Five, and I haven’t gone in yet. I wonder where Pat went.
Oh shit. Here comes Mitch McKubrick in a king kong outfit without the mask. God, he’s got crazy nice hair. I’d love to stuff my face in his-
“Hey Sara, Amaretto sour?”
“Uhm- Hey Mitch! Sure, I’d love one.”
He passes it over to me, and there’s a little heart drawn into it with bitters. I look back up to him and we lock eyes; “Hey”. He smirks; “Hey.”
I take a hit from my cigarette, and watch his eyes sparkle in the moonlight. What the fuck am I attracted to Mitch McKubrick right now?
“What is this again?” I managed to squeeze something out other than a nervous fart.
“It’s uh- It’s an amaretto sour. Yeah it’s like a bit of amaretto with some lemon juice, egg whites, and simple syrup.”
“Oh wow. Are you like- a bartender or something?”
“Yeah, actually. I-I’m a bartender.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah, I love it.” He says with a grin, and flips his luscious hair. Dammit, not even the bartender thing is turning me off.
“So like, I wanna say-” he snickers, “I’m really glad you came here tonight.”
I take a pull from my cigarette and blow out; “Really?”
“Yeah, I uh, someone posted pictures of you on their instagram and I was like, damn, wow, is that Sara Miller?’
“Wow”
“Yeah”
Has this man with a king kong body taken my brain away? Or did he put something in this drink? I feel like I lost all of my brain cells as soon as he looked me in the eye. Just as things were shaking up inside of me, the chaos begins; “OYE! MITCH, MATE! There’s a bloody mummy throwing up all over the bathroom!”
Mitch stands up quickly “Yo, what the fuck?”
I bursted out laughing……. Oh shit ; “did you say mummy?”
“Yeah, a bloody one!” says the British man.
“Shit! That’s my mummy!” I toss the butt of my cigarette into the darkness of Mitch’s backyard and I head in.
I open the bathroom door and look at the art piece that Pat spewed all over the walls and toilet. I felt like I was inside Spongebob. Pat is in a ball, holding himself together.
“Pat, we gotta get you outta here.”
“I don’t feel too good, Sara, I gotta be honest with you.”
“I- believe you.”
I’m helping Pat up as Mitch McKubrick steps in; “Aw, what the fuck, dude?” He gags.
“Pat was this all you buddy?”
“Mitch McKubrick?” Pat asks, struggling to open his eyes.
“Yeah buddy, it’s me. You fucked up my bathroom, bro.”
“I got you.” says Pat.
“Alright respect, bro.” Says McKubrick, then he looks at me with the bloody mummy’s arm around my shoulders; “I guess you’re going?”
“Yeah, thanks for the drink, though.”
“Anytime- and uh- if ever you wanna maybe go out some time-”
BAAAAAAARRRRRRF. Oh shit. Pat just puked all over my handsome gorilla-man. He looks at me with disgust. All I can do is smile.
“We’re gonna go now, nice seeing everybody!”
I bring Pat outside and we wait on the curb for a taxi. I think this was for the best. Mitch McKubrick is handsome but I don’t think we would’ve gone far. I can’t prove it but there were some insecurities in there. Anyways, I tell the cab driver to bring us to the hospital, and I call my Dad.
Chapter 4: Into the fire pan
BBLAAAAGH….. It sounds worse than it is, I hope. I’ve never seen so much throw up in my life. I don’t usually do well around vomiting but honestly I kept picturing it was the scrambled eggs from work and so I was able to tough it out. I don’t think the cab driver had the same picture in his head when he was yelling at us, to him it probably just looked like vomit.
When we got in my dad rushed us to a room before he had to get back to work. He said he’s been getting waves of people all night that look like Pat.
Now it’s been about two hours. Pat’s asleep, or he looks asleep. He’s breathing for sure, but he’s looking a little yellow. Hopefully my dad will be here soon.
“Alright I’m sorry guys” he says as he rushes in. Pat’s eyes turn slowly to see him, but they follow him around, up until he stands beside his bed.
“What’s going on, Dad?”
“I- Seems like something’s going around.”
“You think that’s what Pat has?”
“I’m guessing so.” he says, looking at me and then back to Pat; “How are you feeling?”
“I’m not going to lie, I feel like shit.”
“I won’t lie, you look like shit too.”
“Dad-” What kind of bedside manner is this? Doesn’t seem to bother Pat, it got him smiling at least. He looks so weak but that smile seems to have cheered him up a little bit.
“I got a notice that your blood tests came back so I’m gonna go check those out, though it does seem a little early for results.” Just as he says this, Pat’s eyes grow, and my dad and I know what’s coming, but he doesn’t have much time to react. He jumps back to try and dodge it, but he just isn’t quick enough. He remains still, as the yellow goop drops off his chin and onto the white coat. His glasses don’t work like they used to before, and it looks like he’s got a bit on his lip. If I were him right now I’d probably jump out that window behind him. Pat leans back into the bed, he didn't get any on him this time.
“I’m gonna go clean up and then check on those tests, you guys rest, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” he says on his way out.
I move closer to Pat's bed, thankfully someone had come in quickly to clean up whatever puke missed my dad.
“Can you pass me a smoke?”
“For real?”
“Please, Sara. I need it.”
How can I refuse him when he’s making that face? I lift up the window behind me. “That feels nice,” he says. I pull out a cigarette from his pants and place it in his mouth for him and light it. He takes a nice deep pull and blows it out. “Oh baby, that’s nice.” I mean, the stuff that comes out of this guy - pun intended.
“You think I’ll be okay?” he looks at me, I can tell he’s scared. I honestly don’t know what to say. I just put my hand on my face and nod. “You’re gonna be just fine, buddy.”
“Careful-” he moves his face from my hand, “I just don’t want you to get it.” I didn’t even think of that.
“Would you rather be puking or shitting everywhere?” I ask, knowing it’s the type of question that’ll make him laugh, and it worked.
“I guess I’m glad I’m not shitting everywhere. I'd probably have a prolapsed butt or something.”
“You guys are disgusting-” My dad walks in, “And hey- put that shit out.”
I take the cig from Pat’s hand and toss it out the window, “Sorry, he-”
“I’m sorry Dr Phil, I told her to give me one, she was just being a good friend.”
“Nevermind that,” He looks at me, “Sara, can I speak to you outside?”
I get up and follow my dad out the door and he closes it behind me. “What’s up?”
“I just got his blood tests back…” he says.
“Okay? What’d they say?”
“They laughed on the phone.”
I raise my brow, why would they laugh? “When they received the vials there was no blood.”
Can he just spit it out? He’s so damn ominous.
“They said the vials were filled with this thick yellow puss.”
“A thick yellow puss?” I’ve never been so disgusted by a sentence.
“They said it reminded them of scrambled eggs.”
I gagged in my mouth a little bit. “eggs?” I ask, and he nods. “Wait-” I’m trying to collect my thoughts here, “do you think this shit is coming from the eggs?”
“Seems like it.” He says.
“So wait, does that mean-?” Is Pat turning into eggs? Or puss?
“Maybe, I don’t know enough right now. The blood probably transformed faster because it was isolated in a small container. You’re friend’s a lot bigger than that. You think your work still has any eggs?”
That fucker is probably still open selling poison to people! “I’m sure.”
“Alright, let’s go. We gotta move fast, meet me out front.”
My dad leaves. This whole thing is just getting a little crazy for me right now. I don’t know what to tell Pat. I feel like I’m losing hope, I don’t want him to lose hope, too. I head back into the room anyway.
“Hey” he says, “everything cool?” He looks me in the eyes. I think I might cry if I stay here any longer.
“Yeah, yeah. My dad just wants to get coffee with me.”
“Oh, alright cool.” He smiles.
“Do you want anything?” I ask,
“I’m good, man. Thanks.” he says. I nod.
“You want me to close the window?”
“Nah, honestly when the cool breeze hits me I’m feeling a lot better.”
“Cool. Alright, I’ll see you soon.”
“See ya.”
Chapter 5: Sundays
My dad and I get to the restaurant. This street is usually filled with people on Sunday’s. It feels a bit haunted when something changes drastically. Anyway we head to the front door and the place is locked up with a big closed sign in the door. He either had a change of heart or they finally shut him down, from the looks of it I’m thinking the latter.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! I bang on the door, and I let a bit of my anger out with every knock.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! Still nothing. “Let’s try the back door” I say, and we start walking-
“What the hell do you want?” Alex asks through a creek in the door.
“I guess they shut you down?” I ask. He grunts, “What do you want from me?”
“Eggs, we need some.” I say.
“Don’t got any.”
“Are you sure?” asks dad.
“Yes I’m sure, they came in and took everything from me. Those crooks.” He opens the door a little wider. “Why do you want ‘em anyway, they’re all bad. I’ve been puking all fucking day and night. I’ve been sweating like a damn dog. I’m basically living in the fridge right now just to keep me normal but then it get’s fucking cold in there so I gotta get out.”
“You asshole you should’ve closed when we were told to and maybe Pat wouldn’t be in the fucking hospital right now.”
“Oh please, sweetheart. You sound like my dead wife. Why don’t you blow me.”
I hold my dad from stepping in, my dad’s not a fighter but I don’t think it takes much to beat down this goblin-man. Besides, he’s not worth it.
“He’s not worth it.”
“What you want, prick? Eh?” I hope he turns into a thick yellow puss.
“Go fuck yourself, Alex.” I say, but he shuts the door in our face. “Well, so much for that.”
“I can’t believe you worked for that guy.” My dad says, opening the driver seat door. I shrug my shoulders, “The money was good and I needed it.” We get into the car, “Besides, I never let that munchkin get away with anything.” I add. He laughs, “yeah, I know you wouldn’t,”
Chapter 6: These are scrambled- I asked for an omelette.
“What are we gonna do now?” I ask as we walk back into the hospital.
“We gotta assume this thing is like a parasite, and it’s feeding right now on anyone who’s come into contact with it. We also gotta assume that it can travel from person to person, which means I’m going into quarantine, for now.”
“What? Why?”
“When Pat puked on me I for sure got a little in my mouth.” That is disgusting. “So- yeah. I gotta go. I’m sure you’re fine, we haven't really made any sort of contact together.”
“Go check on your friend, but wear a mask, please.”
“Okay, where will I be able to find you?”
“Just look for nurse Marie, she’ll know.”
I nod, “I love you, dad.”
“I love me, too.” he says with a wink. “I love you very much.” he adds. He heads off down a different hallway than me.
I grab a mask from one of the nurses. Seems like they’re in season right now, cause everyone’s getting them on. Damn, word gets around quickly. I feel like I’m about to walk into patient zero’s room.
I open the door, “Hey!”
..
..
The curtains closed. It’s quiet, and it’s warm. I guess he closed the window. But it stinks of something rotten. I creep over to the curtains and pull them back. My heart sinks to the ground, “Pat?”
His body is still, there’s a sheet over him, even covering his head. No.
No, no.
“No”
Fuck, “Pat!”
I pull back the sheets and I freeze in fear. I can’t move, and all I can do is stare. All I can do is look at him. But I can’t even recognize him, I can’t- except for his beard or his hair. If he didn’t have that tattoo on his neck I-
I don’t recognize him, because I can’t see his eyes. They’re gone, and not in a metaphorical way. His eyes are gone. Replaced by this bulging yellow mass. It looks as if there’s a crust layer formed on the top, and if you broke it like a creme brulee you’d find inside it looks like scrambled eggs. I can’t stop looking at it. Out of his eyes, his mouth and his nose. His skin looks like a mask on a doll. This isn’t Pat, anymore.
“Sara….” Nurse Marie calls me. But I can’t move a muscle.
“Sara!” She holds on to me, “I’m so sorry, Sara.”
I hear her but I can’t see her. I can only see what’s in front of me. She shakes me, and still I stand.
“We shouldn’t stay here, I’m so sorry, kiddo.” She says with her soft gentile voice as she turns me around, my head turning with my body like I’m one solid piece. My legs move like cinder blocks. I can’t seem to say anything.
She guides me out of the room and the noise and chaos of the hospital pulls me out of my head. “Sara, let’s go see-” I burst out in tears and I scream. She sits me down and brings me head into her arms. Her fingers run through my hair like it’s sand. My tears roll onto her scrubs, but she doesn’t care. She just holds me tight. She kisses my head through her mask.
“I don’t understand,” I can finally speak again.
“He didn’t deserve that, Sara.” she says, “I’m sorry you had to see him like that.”
“I just saw him two hours ago.” He was fine. I don’t-
I sit up. “I don’t know how, hun.” she says.
“I should’ve just stayed here.”
“I don’t think there’s much you could have done.” she says.
I could have been there for him. He wouldn’t have been alone. “He was probably so scared, I wish I could have been there.”
“Don’t go having regrets, Sara. You could spend the rest of your life thinking about what you could’ve done but then what? There’s no point in that. You left him to save him. He knows that. He knows how much you cared for him. I know it. The way that boy looked at you. He loved you.”
I continue crying on her shoulders.
“Now, whatever this thing is, it's deadly. There’s a few people in here that don’t seem to have much time.” She looks around, “I’m praying, cause only God can save us now.”
Dad.
“My dad?”
“He’s doing okay, he locked himself up on the second floor, it’s more empty. But he’s starting to show signs.”
“Can we see him?”
“I’ll take you, but we can’t go in. We can’t risk getting this thing.”
This floor is quiet. I can hear my own breathing, but that might be because I’m fucking scared, and I’m still crying a little bit.
I see my dad in the room through this big large window, he looks like an animal at the zoo. Tap!tap! I tap on the window, “Dad?”
“Hey, Sara.” he says, though I can barely hear him through the glass.
“Dad, –Pat’s dead.” my voice trembles. I sniff.. He holds his head down and holds a silence.
“I’m so sorry, honey.” I can tell he’s scared.
“I’m scared, Dad.”
“It’s gonna be alright.” His eyes don’t speak with as much confidence as they used to. “I’m gonna be alright. So don’t worry about me.” he says, but moments later he gets into a coughing fit.
“I’m fine-” He says before his vomit interrupts him. It pools on the floor, flowing with yellow and red colours.
“Is that blood?” I ask. He takes a moment to think. “It fucking stinks.” he says and walks over tot he window to open it. He sticks his head out. “That’s better.” He holds his head for a few moments and I can tell he’s taking in some nice breaths. He comes back out, looking better.
“Man, that breeze is nice.” he says to me as he wipes his mouth.
Hmmm, the breeze. Pat said something like that earlier. Holy shit, Alex also said that he was using the fridge to chill him out.
“Dad! I think I figured something out!” I say, and he looks at me and thinks.
“The cold?” he asks, I’m glad he’s on the same page.
“I think the cold air calms it down!”
“It freezes…” He says.
“We gotta go back to the restaurant!” I yell, and he nods his head in agreement. “Where’s Marie?" he asks.
“I’m right here!” She pops her head into his view.
“You were there the whole time?”
“I wanted to give y’all a moment!” She proclaims. I love her.
“Can you come with us? I need your help.”
“Of course, let’s get this thing out of you!” she yells!
Chapter 7: We put our eggs in the fridge.
Marie and I get out of the car first and we knock on the restaurant door. There’s no answer so I run around to the back through the alley. I walk past our garbage bins and see a bunch of dead squirrels and rats and birds, they probably got into our trash. I pull on the backdoor and it rips open. I would have gladly sent a rock through the front window but this works out a lot better.
I creep through the restaurant looking for Alex.
“Alex?” I shout, but I don’t hear anything, just the buzzing of the walk-in fridge. The dining room is empty and dark. I head over to the fridge and I open it.
“Get the fuck out of here!” Alex runs out of the fridge and grabs ahold of my wrists. His grip is tight and I can’t shake him. “ Let go of me!” I cry out- “Alex!” I yelp.
“I told you get the fuck out of here!” He pushes me down to the floor and he lands on top of me.
“Alex! Stop!Please!” Why the fuck is he so strong all of a sudden????
He looks me in the eyes, his eyes are tinted with a yellow hue. There’s puss around it. “You’ve always been a huge bitch, you know that?” He starts choking me and I grasp for air, pulling off my mask.
“Ale-x” I struggle to speak, I’m kicking my legs and my hands reach up to his face and I’m trying to push him away but he just looks at me like he’s always looked at me. He looks at me like I’m nothing but something to fucking touch. I hate how he fucking looks at me. So I take my thumbs and I sink them into his eyes, and my nails pierce through and out comes the blood and some yellow puss.
AGHH!!! He yelps! His eyes juices fall and leak onto my face, some of it dripping into my mouth. Fuck…. I throw him off of me and I try my best to spit everything out. I vomit, and it lands on him. Now he’s sitting against the wall, crying in pain and covered in my vomit. He sounds like a squealing pig.
“FUCK YOU!!” I yell at him and I kick him in his legs. Fuck that guy.
I run to the front door and I open it. “oh! Sara! What happened in there? We heard screaming.”
“You okay, sweetie?” asks my dad.
“I’m okay, just fucking- Alex.” what the hell just happened. Jesus Christ.
We head inside and they look into the back to see Alex crying by the walk-in.
I tie-up Alex and I put him in the corner. “Marie, can you watch him?”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going in the fridge with my dad, I got some of that asshole’s puss in my mouth.”
“Sucks, right?” cough *cough* dad is struggling right now.
“But what are we going to do with him?” she asks. I actually have no idea, “I don’t think he has much time left but he could still be trouble if we don’t watch him.”
“-fuck-ing…. you bitch…..” Alex whispers beneath his breath.
“Dad,” I look at him, let’s get inside. He nods. “Thank you, Marie. I hope to see you soon.” He smiles at her. She nods her head. “I love you, Phil. And you will.”
“Thanks, Marie,” I say. “Take care of you and you dad, I’ll be waiting for you.”
Me and dad head into the freezer.
Chapter 8: but humans aren’t eggs.
“I’m fucking freezing in here.” dad says. I tell him “better this than getting eaten from inside out.”
“Yeah you’re right.” I am, but so is he. It’s fucking freezing in here. It’s been about 2-3 hours now. My fingers are numb, and my lips are chapped. I’ve been shivering so much I think I’m gaining muscle. “We can’t stay here forever,” he says.
“I know, dad.”
“You can’t stay here, forever.”
“What the hell else is there?”
“You’ll figure something out. You’re smart.”
“Me? What are you gonna do?”
He laughs with his nose. I love when he does that. My dad will always laugh in some sort of way. With a big joke he has this crazy one where he sounds like a cartoon character. Or he has little giggles when he’s being mischievous, he did that one a lot around mom. But when he laughs with his nose and he ends it with a smile, I know he's feeling calm- he’s at peace, and he’s appreciating.
“How’d you get so confident?”
He laughs.
“You know one day when me and your mom were young- probably like two months into dating we were driving through the mountains in Vermont, like- late at night. We were rushing to get back home cause your mom was working late that night, right- The roads were an absolute nightmare, like truly scary shit. I was freaking out. Only a little, but I was freaking out. It was foggy out and I couldn’t see shit past a few meters in front of me. But we were in a rush. Your mother was sound asleep beside me, the whole time.” pauses. *coughs*
“All I knew was that I was going to get her home to safety. Now, if I was alone, I probably would’ve pulled over somewhere and drove in the morning, but your mother needed to get home and I told her we could do it.”
“What happened?”
“I got her home.” he says and he looks me in the eyes, “When you love someone so much it’s easy to be confident, even if you’re scared, even if you look scared. Confidence is there for that. Having faith that everything will be alright, no matter what situation you’re in. I don’t always have it, but it’s there when I really need it. When other people need it, I can be that person for them.”
“You’re scared now?”
“Now? A little. But I’m confident in you, I raised the best daughter in the world.”
“But what about you?” I ask
“I know what’s coming for me, sweetie. I don’t have a lot of time left, I can’t take this cold for much longer.” No… not you, too.
“Dad, no, let’s go outside for a minute.”
“No, I won’t. I’m not gonna risk infecting other people. But I’d rather die as myself, or mostly myself, than to be eaten alive by some parasite.” I can’t.
I rush over to him and I wrap my arms. “Dad, I don’t know what to do without you”
“You’re gonna be just fine, trust me.” he laughs with his nose.
I hold on to him tight. I feel like I won’t ever let go. First Pat, now dad. This shit isn’t fair. Why the hell is this shit happening…
Why?
My tears roll onto my dad’s jacket. He squirms to take it off. “What are you doing?”
“I’m giving you a better chance.”
“Dad-”
“Don’t, Sara. Take it.” He wraps his jacket around me and he holds me tight. “I love you so much.”
“I love me so much, too” I say through my tears. He chuckles as he squeezes me even tighter. “You’re the best,” he says.
I lay my head on his chest and we just sit. We don’t say anything.
I just cry and cry, and eventually my eyes start to hurt from the cold. Maybe they’re freezing up.
I hear Marie’s footsteps from the other side of the door. “Sara? You okay, kiddo?”
… “Sara?”
“He’s gone” I say as I turn to my dad’s face. He died with a smile at least. I didn’t think that was possible, to hold a smile when you’re dead, but I guess he was just that kind of guy. I hear Marie crying on the other side. She sniffles, “I’m here for you, Sara. We’re gonna get you out of this.”
I don’t answer, I don’t know if I believe her.
Chapter 9: hold the egg whites
Dear god, please look after Marie. She’s a sweetheart. I’ve known her since I was a kid, and she’s always been the best to me. You might know her, she loves you. She goes to your church every Sunday and she’s only missed today because of this crazy parasite disease that’s spreading everywhere. If this is judgment day, I’m sorry if I upset you.
I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing. I never pray, but I guess it kinda feels nice to talk towards something. I don’t know how much hope it’s giving me but it’s something right now.
I wish Pat was here, he’d be able to cheer me up. I wish I was with him more before he died. Like at the party, I wish I could’ve been there with him the whole time. Instead I was outside with stupid Mitch McKubrick. That guy’s probably dead with all his stupid delicious egg white cocktails.
… Now that I think about it though, why didn’t I get sick before. Like now it’s obvious I got that goblin’s eye puss in my mouth but- Why didn’t the eggwhites make me sick?
….
….
The alcohol!!!
The alcohol probably killed the parasite inside! I’m guessing, but it’s all I got right now other than praying and that shit is not working out for me. Gosh, this makes sense though! I think? I mean one drink made Pat puke like a fire hydrant all over the bathroom. I don’t really know.
How can I be sure? I guess I gotta test it?
“Marie?” I ask!
“Yes, dear?”
“I think I thought of something!”
“What’s that?”
“Can you grab me all of the alcohol bottles from the bar?”
“What?”
“It’s alcohol! I think it kills it, maybe?” I hope. “Get me some vodka!”
“Okay? Gimme a minute!”
God I really hope this works. “Oh, and can you also get me some orange juice?!” I hope we still have some. I can’t hear her answer so I’m guessing she’s near the bar.
“Okay I’m leaving it by the door!” she yells out. I open the door and I take the two litres of vodka and the orange juice inside with me. It’s about to go down.
One sip vodka, one sip oj, one sip vodka, one sip oj, one sip vodka, one sip vodka, one sip vodka, one chug of oj. One sip vodka- jesus christ I’m gonna be fucked. I wish I had cigarettes with me- hold on just a moment. I do…
I light up my cigarette, I sip on the vodka, I puff on the cigarette, and I sip on the-
Uhm-
VODKA! HAHA
I puff, and blow out the smo-
I sip my drink. And-
I’m smoking because it’s fun!
This is cool.
*hiccup*
Okay, I’m gonna wait now. But I’ll have another cigarette.
Okay, just one more cigarette after this I am done.
Alright. After thi- after this one- no more.
I take a huge pull and I watch the bright burn coming from the tip, and the smoke exciting my mouth. I look like a drago-
*Cough* fuck *fuck* cough* I toss the cigarette away and I lay my head on the wall. *hiccup*!
Okay- here go-
I am a dragon, and my vomit is my flames. I take off my dad’s jacket and I throw it over his face. I don’t want him to see this, but I also don’t wanna vomit on his face. My vomit is yellow and a bit bloody sometimes. I spray the veggies with it, the meats, the cheeses, I get a bit on my dad’s legs. Holy fucking shit, I hope this works.
It’s coming out of me in waves, and so with every break I send down more booze, and it just keeps coming. It’s everywhere, leaking from the ceiling, the shelves and the walls. I stand in a puddle of my puke. This has got to be the worst I’ve ever looked in my entire life but I’m feeling free! I wonder what Marie is thinking about this right now.
After a while it slowed down, and I couldn’t really put anything in me, but my vomit was clear like vodka, and so I think it worked. I’m sitting down, leaning against the door and smoking another cigarette. My pants are wet, and so is everything else. I haven't drank like that in years. Well, I’ve never drank like that. But-
Anyways, I’m feeling weak, I probably just need to take it easy for a second. I’m gonna close my eyes. I throw the cigarette into a puddle of puke and I hear it go ‘tsss’. I love that sound.
Chapter 10: Check please!
“Sara?”
“Sara?”
My eyes open and I’m still in the fridge. It fucking stinks in here.
“Sara?”
“I’m up!”
“Oh thank goodness! I was praying for you! How are you? It sounded like a mess in there?”
I’m looking around, “Yeah, definitely not pretty to look at.”
“Do you think it worked?”
“I’m not sure. I’m gonna come out. Keep some distance!”
I open the door slowly and step outside of the fridge. I see the vomit slowly oozing out so I shut the door. “Do not look in there.” I say to Marie, she’s waiting by the back exit. “I guess I feel better than before.”
“I feel like I caught a cold in there for sure.”
“Yeah, you were in there long. Almost ten hours.”
“Jesus” I say.
She nods. “That man died.” fucking, good riddance.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll be alright.”
“What now?” I ask.
“Well, there’s been some military people in masks going around town.”
“Did they talk to you?”
“No, they didn’t, but they were signaling that there’s a safe zone somewhere with health checks and quarantine’s. I guess we’d better go there?”
“I guess so, let’s see if the alcohol worked.”
Marie and I left the restaurant and my dad behind. I figure if we take him out of the fridge it could potentially wake up the parasite inside him. We threw Alex in there with him, and then we left. The whole town has been shut down, we’re heading over to that safe zone, now. I lost so much in just a short amount of time. I hope my dad and Pat are laughing somewhere else now, wherever that is. I miss them so much already. I don’t know what’s coming next but I’m sure things are gonna be alright.
The end.
